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It's like, POOF, BAM, BIF, overnight your gorgeous, sweet child turns into a prickly porcupine. You go in for a hug, and get a head, shoulder or hand ✋️ accompanied by a "ewww what are you doing?" Or something similar. They have become a ' threenager ' that's a made up word to describe your teenager who has a developing adult body but at times acts like a giant 3 year old. The difference is, this giant toddler like creature can't be sent to his or her room.... as easily anyway.
God gave us our kids, whether we had them naturally, adopted or fostered them, they still came to us for a reason, even if sometimes we wonder why we were chosen.
One of the most important things I got as a Christian parent, was realising that our kids were not actually 'ours', they belong to God first, we are the earthly parents chosen to take them on their journey from birth to adulthood. God has a plan in mind for that little human, just like he does for our own lives.
`Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.' (Prov.22:6.)
This is easier said than done, when we are also human and trying to stay on our own track with God, lets face it sometimes the behaviour can trigger our own inner 'threenager'.
I learned to be real, do my best, admit when I got it wrong, listen and spend time sitting just listening to the big emotions, worries, fears and downloads without shutting them down.
I am on teenager number 5, our last child is 13 at the time of reading this and we are in the thick of it.
I have learned some things about parenting teenagers, heck we even became toolbox parenting course facilitators for parents of other teens for a while, a long time ago.. Yet my favourite quote to throw around to other parents is
"They are all different and none of them are born with an operating manual" Seriously though, humour aside, humour is literally how we survive this phase. By taking Nigel Lata's advise and not taking our selves or our teen too seriously. Being careful not to laugh inappropriately at them at the wrong time is the trick, learning which battles to pick, what are the deal breakers, things that will cause themselves or someone else harm either now or in the future, then let go of the rest. Naturally 'threenagers' like to break some rules, they often like a shot of dopamine, more addictive than cocaine the experts say. So it's finding things that allow them these things in controlled and safe environments. Dopamine is that rush when you do something dangerous or risky. Some things we have done with ours 👍 Go carts, indoor racing, expensive but every year do it. At least once. 👍 Impact sports, fast sports. 👍 Skiing or snowboarding 👍 Jumping off diving boards into pools, rocks into rivers, boats into the sea 👍 Ice skating 👍 Surfing or body boarding 👍 Skateboarding Anything that goes fast or takes a risk, where you can monitor the safety measures. Keep them busy Give them jobs and responsibilities Don't be afraid to be the parent, rather than popular friend Don't give them everything they want without earning it Make them volunteer Be open to talking about the awkward and uncomfortable things Be available to drop what you are doing when they want to do download ( this is almost never at a convenient time for you) Before they learn to drive treasure the side by side time in the car Have boundaries, teach them how to have boundaries They say they hate you for rules but deep down they are thanking you Be their scapegoat when they get stuck in a situation they don't feel able to get out of Have secret codes, pre thought out plans for them to leave situations out of their depth. Build mutual trust and respect so they will come to you when they mess up And always, no matter how prickly they get, let them know in a million different ways, you love them every day. It's a jungle out there. They need us to be their safe space to rest, unravel, restore and go back out again stronger every time. Go in and brave the prickles they need you to. Remember God loves us prickles and all, and requires us to love others the same as he does us, including our 'threenagers.' The good news is they move through this phase, and do become less prickly and more loving again, bigger versions of their little selves.
If you have any other great ideas for other parents going through this phase, please feel free to pop some encouragement in the comments.
Arohanui
Jen
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